My 25Kw bundle of joy

Believe it or not I now know what it's like to be a parent. I am the proud adoptive papa of a 1000lb 1-year-old girl named Genny.

She is a special little infant this one. You see she is very demanding. No disrespect to all of the new moms out there but my little bundle of joy never sleeps (not on purpose anyway) and is always feeding.

Now before I signed the adoption papers last year I was told that she was a little temperamental. However in our time together she was the sunshine of my life. Now I am none to sure about the growth stages of children but I think my Genny may be approaching the terrible twos or, has a form of gastro intestinal distress. You see, my girl may feed on nothing but the finest diesel fuel, but lately she has been getting gas somewhat fierce. Roughly every three hours she lets out a big fart and the power goes away for a second.

This one-second is perhaps the most dreadful second I could possibly face. You see in that one second our wireless router goes into a temporary hibernation mode and ceases to function properly and leads to my now most hated phrase. "The wireless isn't working..." Which raced to the top of the charts pushing aside: "When is the plane coming?".

Now sometimes the girl lets out a real big fart and goes to sleep. Something akin to combustion engine crib death... The only positive to this unfortunate malady is that everyone is aware that the wireless isn't working and I don't have to be told or asked about it.

As with most children it is usually something in the diet that causes such terrible distress to the parents. In this case the food is fine it’s just that the child ingests a little too much air with her diet of liquid bang and has to be burped every three hours. Being trapped in a small Northern community isn't helping matters out a whole lot either as the doctor is a long-distance phone call and a long plane ride away. Many phone calls are made to diagnose Genny’s tummy troubles and like a good father I get up every three hours night and day to burp the child when I know that she may be feeling a little bloated.

I talked to another specialist this morning, and all going well we will have all the medicine my little girl needs to keep her fat and happy. But as every parent knows, we will be the ones all fat and happy with a good nights sleep.