Seal Balls

Again it has been long time since I last updated the goings on of ultra rural life. Not much has happened that is worth bitching about. And what is the point of a blog if not to complain? Today I had planned on typing up a little blurb about the joy of the departing drill crew. But that will have to wait until tomorrow...or the next day, but thanks to Sister Sarah I got myself a honest to goodness rant prepared for you today.

Sister Sarah has brought to my attention this little site about how to kill polar bears without a rifle. I suggest opening that site in another tab using Firefox or Safari , so you all can follow along. I feel the need to address the issue for all the molly coddled city dwellers and “ bloody foreign treehuggers from the UK”. Who I assume are rather quite charming but misinformed. I will bring to the fore many points with regards to the rifle-less camp defending method.

- Seals don’t swim in fresh water.
- Human beings cannot survive on salt water without some serious desalination.
So our camps are built in-land.
- Given the choice between prime rib, Thai/Indian curry or seal. I know which one I would eat.
-I am not going to sit motionless on the ice…its fucking cold when the lakes are frozen! And real fucking cold when the ocean is frozen!
-There isn’t a lot of wood up here to make a fire.

The most contentious point: Waiting for the Polar Bear

We don’t want to wait for the polar bear. We don’t want the polar bear. We are lower on the food chain than the polar bear. And yes the dogs will notify you that the polar bear is nigh but then there will be silence because the dog team is all tied up so they don’t run away and therefore easy pickins’.

My favourite part. After the belly is poked: “Track the bear with the dog team until you find its carcass. This may take up to a week.”

After a couple of appetizing seal balls, one week leaves plenty of time to snack on the rest of the camp and campers! Thankfully I know how to fly so I am out fast if one of the pilots becomes a main course.

Sure the big white-and now red-bastard may have a little upset tummy cuz of the ribs poking through his intestines, but he is just going to chalk that one up to heartburn! He may not eat for another week regardless of the fatal seal balls but if there is food about he/she is surely going to dine until he/she goes into that great beyond. And I sure hope that I am not on the menu.

And finally: The Traditional Inuit Method.

Ha ha ha!!!

That’s the best line I’ve heard all week! Todays traditional methods don’t involve dog teams, harpoons or seal balls. Horsepower(wheels or skis) large calibre firearms and lead is more like it.

The last words from our Inuit bear watcher today was; “Just wait till you see the gun I am going bring back after my break!”

Essentially the traditional methods have gone the way of the Dodo and efficiency is key. The Inuit get cold too. We are not out here to make friends, resource extraction is our mission and damned be the big white bastard that gets in our way or cookshack.

And if you got a problem with resource extraction…

So should you feel the need to be more sporting while defending your property have a ball. Just not a frozen seal ball, they’ll kill you.